6 Things to Do When You're Feeling Lonely, According to Experts
If you're feeling isolated, know that there are many ways to reclaim connection.
1. Name it. Validate it.
Telling other people you're lonely can feel scary, shameful, and self-defeating. But expressing that feeling can be the beginning of releasing it.
"We tend to stigmatize loneliness in the U.S., equating it with being a loner or a loser," says Kory Floyd, Professor of Communication and Psychology at the University of Arizona. "That stigma encourages us to avoid admitting when we're lonely. Denying our loneliness only perpetuates it, so before we can recover, we have to be honest — at least with ourselves — about what we are experiencing."
2. Take stock of connections you already have.
Sometimes when we are feeling lonely, we can't see what's right in front of us.
"Many of us get tunnel vision when it comes to affection and intimacy, in that we 'count' only certain behaviors while discounting others," says Professor Floyd. "I might notice that my friends don't tell me they love me, or don't 'like' my social media posts, but I overlook the fact that they always volunteer to help when I have a home project to do. When people expand their definitions of affection and love to include a wider range of behaviors, they often discover that they aren't as deprived as they originally thought."
3. Recognize you are not alone (in feeling lonely).
If 22% of Americans constantly feel lonely, know that if you're feeling isolated, you're sharing the same experience with millions of other people.
"[When I'm lonely] I remind myself just how pervasive loneliness is and I imagine being connected to 'all of the lonely people out there'. Sometimes I listen to Eleanor Rigby [by the Beatles] to hammer that point home," says Megan Bruneau, therapist and executive coach. "Loneliness is a healthy emotion, revealing places we yearn for connection."
4. Get curious. Ask questions.
Recognize that loneliness looks different for people at different times of their lives, and that there are those who have many relationships, but still feel like something is missing. Ask yourself what loneliness looks like for you.
"It's important to differentiate between situational loneliness and chronic loneliness," says Bruneau. "Most people feel lonely from time to time, especially in today's individualistic, independence-valuing, more-single-than-ever-culture. However, if I'm feeling loneliness more frequently than usual, I get curious about the shift. Has something changed in my relationships leading me to feel more disconnected? Have I been nurturing my current connections and creating opportunities for new ones that make me feel 'seen'? Am I intentionally or accidentally isolating [myself]?"
Whether our loneliness is brief or chronic, questions like these can help direct us to the best way to cope, she suggests.
5. Take the time to slow down.
If you're frequently busy, running around with your to-do list, or feel stressed by all the meetings at work, it might be time to hit the brakes.
"Sometimes when people's schedules are back-to-back for too long, they start disconnecting from themselves and other people," says Judith Orloff, MD, psychiatrist and author of Thriving as an Empath. "They get overwhelmed from overworking and too much stimulation. So the practice [then] is just to relax and do what their body needs."
Perhaps that relaxing for you could mean listening to music, taking a bath, or just sitting with nothing to do and nowhere to be.
6. Reconnect with self-love and appreciation.
You can use alone time to get back in touch with you.
"You have to be your own best friend," says Dr. Orloff. "I go to my sacred space and I meditate. I take a few deep breaths, relax, and ask worry, fear, and loneliness to lift so I can just be with myself."
She recommends that those who are new to meditation can try to sit for three minutes and focus on something they find pleasing — like the ocean or dolphins — or any simple things they are grateful for. "Focusing on what you're grateful for rather than what you don't have shifts the negative thinking," she says.
Being alone and strolling through nature can be meditative, too.
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